Marriage Under Pressure

by Richard Kane

Marriage is a complex subject. Some couples seem blissfully happy and at ease with each other; they maybe argue once or twice a year, cope well with in-laws, teenage children, and even do fairly well camping for a week or two every summer!  For the rest of us, our marriages go up and down in line with our stress level. More pressure on the inside equals more pressure on the relationship.

Removing stress from busy lives is fairly unrealistic. How then can we process pressure in a way which is non destructive, and actually builds the love and value we have for each other?  Some of us are better at our relationship with God than we are at our relationship with our spouse. This may not be such a good thing.  So, here are the top tips to adding love and reducing pressure.

Intentional soothing

Discuss and agree together how you want to help each other cope with pressure.

For example, when my wife Maria is getting pressured I can go to her, give her a hug and try to comfort her; talk a little, hug a lot.  I can do this because she has told me that she needs my help to cope with pressure, and this kind of intervention helps.  A lot depends on your partner’s ‘love language’ and for her, this physical touch works about 50% of the time – nothing is perfect!

If I’m away I can attempt to soothe her on the phone. It’s not as good, but better than nothing.  For me, when I am pressured, Maria just stays out of the way at first, because she knows I’m working on a solution and need to focus on the task.  It was Jesus who said we should ‘love your neighbour as yourself’ i.e. respect them and understand the way they function.

Additionally, if you have children in the house they can see you modelling a type of vulnerability which they will find compelling. There is something really positive about being intentionally and purposefully involved with soothing our spouse which can be difficult to do at first, and also hard to receive.  In fact, it’s possibly harder to receive than to give. It takes work, but it’s worth it.

Sacrificial love

More than any other factor the level of mutual sacrifice in your marriage, for each other will determine the quality of your love.  I recall discussing marriage with a particularly famous radio DJ.  He was amazed by the idea that anyone would choose not to pursue a career opportunity, even if it meant significantly neglecting your spouse, and therefore placing your relationship at risk. “Why would anyone sacrifice a great new job for a relationship?” was his pitch.

Sacrifice is at the heart of Godly marriages, indeed all good marriages.  Of course, as sacrificial love is at the centre of God’s heart for humanity, it would seem strange if it wasn’t also central to a healthy marriage.  I am a great advocate of relationship skills training, and it is true that adopting certain approaches can really help. However, I am completely convinced that the heart attitude which says “I will sacrifice for you” in small decisions such as putting the lid on the toothpaste, and major things like career and work, is fundamental to having high quality, enduring love.

Fun

We don’t have enough fun in church, and we don’t have enough fun in our families or marriages.  People need to lighten up a bit, tell a few jokes, do a few crazy things.

One of my favourite websites shows elderly people telling jokes on Youtube.   I just love these ordinary old people who stand in front of the camera and tell their jokes.  I can picture them telling their stories at home round the table, everyone laughing, probably because they have heard it so many times before.  There is something incredibly human about people telling stories to amuse their friends.  It is true that some people just aren’t very funny or don’t appreciate humour, but for the rest of us why not try to make your spouse laugh at least once a week?  My wife makes me laugh, even without trying very hard! Fun, humour and laughter is good medicine, and we should take it regularly.

Vision

It may be that your world is very demanding and you see no end to the pressure.  Well, the good news is that all things will come to an end, including all the daily pressure that you are facing.

Why not sit together, pray and describe your vision for today and in the future.  It might be that your original dreams are buried under a mountain of laundry and bills.  Also, we move through different phases in our married lives: children, their university or jobs, our retirement, grandchildren. Be brave, dare to revisit your dreams. It might be that God is on the march, and wants you both more involved in his team.  Remember, you are never too old for God to do a new thing in your life.  We are all busy climbing the ladder, it might be good to check the ladder is leaning against the right wall! In other words, write your vision down so that when that day arrives and you have some disposable time, you know what to do because you have been aiming for it for a long time.

It’s humbling to realise that instead of helping my wife deal with pressure, I can very easily increase that pressure without intending to do so. It’s not a question of trying to be radically different, but just being prepared to change one or two things in a manageable way. Amazingly, when I change the things that Maria is sensitive to, it makes such a big difference. A better marriage is just a small step away for each one of us.

Richard and Maria Kane have been married for 23 years, they have two sons and a daughter.  Richard and Maria lead the Marriage Week International team, and Richard is part of Marriage Week UK. To find out more about Marriage Week UK (7-14th February) click on www.marriage-weekinternational.com.